As I kneeled in the confessional Saturday afternoon, I deviated from my euphemized script of sins and heard myself say the bitter thoughts I’ve been keeping to myself for the past few months. The words poured out of my mouth, burning my throat, and I could not hold back my tears.
Anger with God.
Lust.
Avoidance of the Blessed Sacrament.
Envy.
Distrust.
False righteousness.
In my words, I heard the complaints of the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable. “Look! I’ve tried to stay close to God and follow Him all these years. I’m still a virgin, I attend Mass, and I’m active in the Young Adult groups. But I don’t get a boyfriend? My relationship with the only man I’ve ever felt seriously about ended? And all these other people who have sex outside of marriage, look at porn, do whatever they want – they get to enter holy matrimony? It’s so unfair! Are you kidding me? This is being just?!”
The priest gently reminded me that I was being very legalistic. Like the Pharisee who said, “I fast twice a week, and I pay tithes on my whole income” (Luke 18:12) and thought himself worthier than the rest of humanity, my heart said, “I’m right; they’re wrong. If you’re not going to give me what I want, then at least don’t give it to them.”
I bowed my head, horrified at the true state of my soul.
"I don't want to be like this," I whispered.
Oh my God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to do wrong and failing to do good, I have sinned against you, whom I should love above all things.
I firmly intend, with your help, to do penance, to sin no more, and to avoid whatever leads me to sin. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, suffered and died for us. In his name, my God, have mercy.
I can relate to your uneasiness....recently someone from one of our groups mentioned how often we tend to see ourselves as the "good brother," when in fact we are all "prodigal sons"
ReplyDeleteHe isn't really the "good brother" - he's quite a brat!
ReplyDeletegood point!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your Confession this weekend was meaningful. What a beautiful story of how the grace of confession works! I always love when being in the box forces me to get really honest about my faults. There can be great freedom in admitting you are a sinner and need God's help. And I've definitely been guilty of those same kinds of thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI recall Father's sermon this week about humility. That the way to humility is through humiliation. A good thing happened here. My prayers will be with you.
ReplyDeleteWow! This is powerful!
ReplyDeleteRecently I put away the trite and "euphemized script" I'd been using as well and opened my heart to God with a confession of my true self. How difficult! How liberating! It was the best thing I ever did and continue to do.
Thanks for your honesty and transparency!
Succinct and powerful, as Marc said!
ReplyDeleteThis post was like a well needed 2x4 to the back of the head. Well written, with power and emotion. I am making an apponitment for confession right now. "I don't want to be like this"...humble and hopeful, not despairing yet also understanding the reality of our brokeness. Those are the words i repeat so often while praying. then i always hear My Lord and Lover whisper once again, "Behold, I make all things new." Amen.
ReplyDelete