The "Bright Maidens" were originally three from the oft-mentioned, widely-speculated upon demographic of young, twenty-something Catholic women. Now, we all take up the cross to dispel the myths and misconceptions. Welcome!
"Help! Help! I'm being repressed!" by Julie at The Corner with a View
"On Reading Confused Catholic Writers" by Elizabeth at Startling the Day
"Please Don't Call Me A Prude" by Trista at Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite
"Please Don't Call Me A Prude" by Trista at Not a Minx, a Moron, or a Parasite
During one of my last Theology of the Body sessions, my leader posed this question: Is the Catholic Church sensual? The group squirmed. Sensual? In our culture we’re taught that means one thing, and it’s not something you’d apply to the Church.
After a moment’s pause to brush aside our culture’s expectations of sex and sexiness, I replied. “Yes, definitely sensual. We have the Eucharist to taste; beautiful paintings and mosaics to view; the Word to hear-”
“Incense to smell,” someone chimed in.
“The poor to touch-”
“And shaking hands at the Sign of Peace!”
Within seconds we were on a roll, naming the different ways the Church invigorates our senses. In the same way, after reading “On Dating Nice Catholic Girls,” I realize Catholic dating relationships don’t fall under the culture’s visions of sexiness, but are relationships where “tenderness and sensuality increase,” as Mr. Linderman writes.
Just like when a sense is impaired and the others are heightened, when sex is taken out of the mix, everyday gestures develop a deeper meaning and have a greater weight. Holding doors, a hand at the small of the back, shared laughter, prepping meals, attending Mass, sweet messages, praying together, and long goodnight kisses are romantic actions that mean so much more to couples forgoing sex since these are the primary ways to communicate affection.
Without sex, a stable intimacy forms, one that never makes you ask, “Why exactly are you with me? And what is it you want from me?” Mr. Lindenman talks about the “buzz” being gone, and to an extent I agree with him. The relationship is not taut with sexual tension at every moment, if that's the buzz, but the trade-off is amazing: knowing someone cares for you and respects you as a whole person, created in the image and likeness of God. I dare tenderness not to grow.
As tenderness grows and sensuality deepens, the commitment to live chastely may be tested, but I think the struggle to do so makes the relationship sweeter and stronger. Chastity is a virtue, to be upheld and affirmed always, so I was surprised Mr. Lindenman described his ex-girlfriends' commitments to chastity as prudery. Prudery has such a negative connotation in our culture, suggesting one is fearful and repulsed by sex, and for a Catholic man to sling that word at Catholic women makes me angry. Although there are certain things I can't see myself doing before marriage, I'm not afraid of them. I long for them, with the right man, at the right time. I'm not ashamed to say those pleasures aren't worth it until then, until him, until marriage, and yet I still struggle to live chastely. So, please, don't call me a prude.
As tenderness grows and sensuality deepens, the commitment to live chastely may be tested, but I think the struggle to do so makes the relationship sweeter and stronger. Chastity is a virtue, to be upheld and affirmed always, so I was surprised Mr. Lindenman described his ex-girlfriends' commitments to chastity as prudery. Prudery has such a negative connotation in our culture, suggesting one is fearful and repulsed by sex, and for a Catholic man to sling that word at Catholic women makes me angry. Although there are certain things I can't see myself doing before marriage, I'm not afraid of them. I long for them, with the right man, at the right time. I'm not ashamed to say those pleasures aren't worth it until then, until him, until marriage, and yet I still struggle to live chastely. So, please, don't call me a prude.
Thanks for such good post...Online Dating
ReplyDeleteTrista! This is so true! You really learn to value the cute little signs of affection and don't depend so much on sex to keep your relationship going. And if someone respects you enough to wait until marriage, you know they are the one God wants you to be with. Awesome post, girl!
ReplyDeleteGreat post and so true! In a time when sexual restraint is described as waiting three dates (!) before jumping into bed with someone, it is nice to see people speaking up for chastity.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I would say the "buzz" of tenderness is far better, longer-lasting that the one Lindenman talks about. Of course, the sexual kind is exciting and visceral, but it doesn't last. It's there only as long as the stimulus is there. Then it leaves you flat and, if done outside of a stability found in marriage, feeling sort of off.
ReplyDeleteThe tenderness you speak of abides. It is being known and respected for who you are, being seen as a whole person, having God to enter into the relationship and bond the couple through it. It's the strong foundation of love and commitment. The way relationship is meant to be. The way relationship is within God himself.
That's something to long for and desire. It's not prudery. It's prudence!
Great post T! Well said!
You make-ah me-ah so ah-proud-ah!! (my Italian voice)
ReplyDeleteI love this so much!! What a unique approach! I do agree with Marc to some extent, however.
There is a different kind of "buzz" when both people know that sex is not going to happen until marriage. The buzz translates into an intense respect, as you mentioned. I definitely feel a "buzz" with my boyfriend, I just don't expect to quench the buzz with sex.
EXCELLENT post!!
I misread what Marc said. I thought he said that the buzz still exists in chaste relationships... that's to what I thought I was agreeing. (I still agree with what you actually said, Marc :) )
ReplyDeleteTrista, I think you're on to something with the little gestures... They certainly do become more meaningful. The mistake most outsiders make (and even some within the Church) is thinking the Church's view on sex is similar to the Puritans. The Church teaches that sex is a great gift, pleasurable, builds bonds, and gives life. But when not practiced chastely, and outside of marriage, it damages relationships, rather than strengthens them.
ReplyDeleteMarc, I think you're right on too. When a relationship is based on sex, it is fantastic in the beginning, but when that excitement fades, so does the relationship. It reminds me of the house built on sand (Mt 7:26-27). When the rain comes, and the wind blows, the relationship crumbles. Something that I've unfortunately learned the hard way.
As always, fantastic post!
It was quite inspired of you to contemplate sensuality and then come back with multiple examples of sensuousness. Sensuality is so one-dimensional and involves only the primitive brain, but sensuousness engages all lobes of the brain. Is it that synergy that empowers our soul? A culture that raises up sensuality as the highest ideal quickly exhausts itself just like the act itself. It's delayed gratification and future orientedness that builds a thriving culture.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the brain food. My soul rejoices.
Thank you for this beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteCiska
E, I think the buzz is still there, but a little different - not like a live wire, but a lit candle. Still romantic and a little sexy, at times, but not so charged and dangerous. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteAmen Trista!
ReplyDeleteYes, Trista! That's a perfect way to describe it!
ReplyDeleteTrista, I think you hit it right on with your last comment about the buzz. I think there's a buzz in what you called tenderness. Romantic and a little sexy but not a live wire, charged and dangerous. That's a perfect way to put it.
ReplyDeleteyou are perfectly right!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!
ReplyDeleteI hope I'm not overreaching in saying that physicality and expressing it in relationships is a language (or maybe artform?) that can be utterly difficult to get right...but is so worth trying to do properly because of the beauty and love it can create. Come to think of it, isn't physicality one of the so-called "love languages?"
One of the neat things of having newly married men as prayer partners is hearing about some of their struggles as their relationships have entered new phases. (I knew a couple of them when they had just started dating their spouses.) More than one has talked about how difficult it is to learn how and to be affectionate/tender physically outside of intercourse, but also how that affectionate tenderness has been so crucial in supporting their wives, deepening their bond, and strengthening their marriage.
I think that's an example of how "the trade-off is amazing: knowing someone cares for you and respects you as a whole person, created in the image and likeness of God. I dare tenderness not to grow."
AMDG
Slight aside, and hopefully not a crude one.
ReplyDeleteThere's an old Filipino saying that "sex starts in the kitchen." With some of my married friends, I never want to be in the kitchen when they're doing dishes together. It's not that there are ridiculous and inappropriate displays of PDA...it's more that they are so tender and emit a loving "glow" around each other even while doing chores, that it feels like I would be stepping into such a deeply personal and special moment in their marriage. And, out of respect and admiration, it seems best to leave it as solely theirs.
Trista - awesome post! I especially like this thread about "buzz"
ReplyDeleteOh it is my no means prude at all. I really hate that word when people associate good honest people with it. Its the will power that they do not posess which is why people throw such insults. Never give in to peer pressure and always remember what makes you happy. Never regret anything in life because it only makes you stronger as a person in the future. Your a beautiful, capably independent and strong minded girl with the will power any girl on this earth would be envious over.
ReplyDelete