I usually have two reactions when I read the com-boxes of articles
about single Catholics: tears and rage.
First, there are many, many single Catholics who are
suffering with the Cross of being single.
They have discerned that marriage is their vocation, and yet they are
not married. They’ve watched family, friends,
and acquaintances who are not devout Catholics marry in the Church. They’ve wondered, “Why them, Lord, and not
me?” but there is no direct answer. They try their best to fit into the universal
Church. They serve in various capacities. Some are shy; some are outgoing. They work as hard as they can. They cling to the Cross. They console themselves with the fact that
Jesus was single, and he must have experienced some of the ostracization that
being single can bring.
Statistically,
married men and women are better off financially, emotionally, and physically.* Single men die younger than married men. Single women experience depression in greater
numbers. So yes, being single is more
difficult than being married. I cry and
pray when I read their stories and hear of their pain.
Then, I rage.
Inevitably, there is always a comment or two (or three or four) that says
something to the effect of, “If you want to be happy, why don’t you actually go
the Mass, stop looking at porn, serve the Church, and stop worrying about
yourself!!! Maybe then you’d be married
instead of single and bitter. Don’t
expect the Church to provide your social life.
And why don’t you try chastity for a change?”
How rude to assume the worst of others! How terrible to paint everyone as bleak sinners
who aren’t even trying to live holy lives.
How exactly does that comment build up the Kingdom of God? How does it bring Christ’s peace and hope to
people who are truly suffering?
If a married woman is having a hard time in her marriage,
does it help to write, “If you want to be happy, how about you try daily Mass
for a change? And maybe stop complaining
and serve your husband and kids like you vowed to do? Ya sinner.”
To the husband struggling with NFP, “How about you stop
lusting after your wife???? Try marital
chastity for a change! Get some self-control.”
I don’t understand why Catholics
are so vexed to discover that the single men and women in our Church are
struggling. Pray for them. Engage them.
Support them. Stop with the snark
and the holier-than-thou approaches.
People are suffering. Their Cross
is heavy. Will you help them or will you
spit in their faces?
This post was prompted by the com-box
of Jennifer Fulwiler’s most recent article, “Single
Catholics: The World Needs Your Witness.”
*Source: Being Single in the universal Church
Awesome post, Trista <3
ReplyDeleteWow. Wow. Wow. WOW! I remember when I was single, I would get those comments all the time from "caring" people who assumed I was single because there was something wrong with me. One time a lady actually said "If you get those ugly things off your arms(my ink) maybe girls wouldn't be afraid to be around you!"
ReplyDeleteI am floored by the power of this post. You write with a intensity that manifests a deep conviction and compassion rivaled only by that of our LORD.
I always pray for my friends(single, religious, married ) but have never really thought to pray for those who insult them or misunderstand them. I will do that from now on.
Thank you for posting. May the Lord continue to speak powerfully through you.
I think its interesting because If a guy is single he is cool lucky cat being able to do whatever he wants and can take their time . I hear it all the time omg Mike is 40 and still not married he is such a great guy he will find some one. Than on the other hand oh Dora is still single at 40 oh... its nice she is so involved with the church it gives her something to do and gets here out of the house. Like Dora is sick and needs an adversion. I think everyone is single sometime in their life by choice your young and want to concentrate on your faith and studdie. You may not be ready for a relationship and the responsibilty. You just want to do your own thing. But once you hit a certain age like I have said before thats when you are judged for being single. There are only so many times you can sit at the kids table at a wedding and her Auntie Agnes say oh honey he will come one day!
DeleteI thought of my husband's aunt when I read this. She is a devout Catholic, very involved in her Church, goes on missions with the youth, etc. but never found a husband. I know she is sometimes lonely. She has a good "friend" that has been someone to spend time with over the past few years, but unfortunately it can't be romantic between them because he is divorced and can't obtain an annulment.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me of the blessing of my marriage and to pray for those who are still waiting!
As someone who is still single...Yay and thank you. It does getting annoying and frustrating when people assume, I've read on a catholic forum where someone wrote that if a certain lady had not spent her 20s focusing on her career she would have a husband and kids. I've even read worse and more specific attacks because apparently if you can't find a good catholic spouse you don't go to church enough.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Daily Mass attendee and I met my bf online, even though I know a few great guys in a few of the groups I belong to. So yes please pray for us and offer us support instead of criticism because it is a great cross to bear when you want to be happy for the friend who is pregnant for the 3rd time in 4 years of marriage or the one who is engaged after dating the guy for 7 months but you are secretly wondering when will it be you.
Such a strange thing, this universal phenomenon is: How people can at a former time chastise others, than at a latter time chastise the chastisers. What a mystery understanding is. I may never know how it works, yet see it so frequently and commonly in everyday life.
ReplyDeleteBut as for vocation, as a single Catholic, my vocation to Christ right is expressed in my vocation as a single layman. I trust in Providence, and know where God leads me, there is chastity. Hence, my worst suffering is the sin of pride, which hates chastity.
I have come around to Catholicism after a decade living and dating (exclusively - and ultimately, only very occasionally...), in a minority within a minority - tears and rage and guilt?...in abundance.
ReplyDeleteAmen! I always feel like beating my head against the wall when literature and programs for young adult Catholics only focus on chastity 101. The "smug marrieds" of the comment boards need to realize how longing for marriage is one of the biggest, and most common crosses Catholic adults can bear.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I go to mass and try to stay involved but I still feel like a "social outcast" at events. I'm alone, or worse with my MOM. And then peoples comments don't help, "I don't understand why you are alone your such a nice girl." etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteThanks. Singleness is a tough cross to bear. And ironically what makes it harder is that you are alone. And crosses aren't meant to be carried alone.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletePeople actually say that kind of thing?!?!?
ReplyDeleteI would argue that many of us striving to live the Catholic faith are still single BECAUSE we are trying chastity and going to Mass regularly and serving the Church!!
Geesh.
Love this post.
Pray for me :)
I remember reading this and really liking it a while ago, and I'm surprised I didn't comment!
ReplyDeleteI agree very much with this. No matter how young you were when you got married, every married person was a single person at one point! How can you be so harsh to somebody when you surely have some understanding of what they are going through? Being single is a very difficult vocation I think, because you always have to remain open to the other vocations and wonder how God will use you. I like to think I have compassion for singles in the Church, as I still have many single Catholic friends in my life. They don't need pity, snark, lecturing, or any other holier than thou attitude: you're right. They need friendship, welcoming, and assurance that they are part of the Church just like any other person.